Main » 2009 » February » 8 » For the Boys: 10 Girls You Should NOT Have Sex With
For the Boys: 10 Girls You Should NOT Have Sex With
2:42 PM
10. The Daredevil –
I’m sure some of you guys out there have been at a bar, hit it off with an attractive chick, and taken her back to your place to “continue the conversation”. Neither one of you are looking for anything beyond a singular, never-to-be-repeated night of fucking each other’s anonymous brains out. Fair enough. As you’re about to get down and dirty, one of two scenarios occur: a.) you’re out of condoms but she wants to proceed anyway or b.) you present a condom and she waves it away like it’s a pesky gnat. In either case, this stranger is cool with having unprotected sex. Now, if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship with someone you love and both of you have been tested for STDs and are okay with the possibility of pregnancy occurring, it MIGHT be cool to ditch the Trojans in favor of the pull-out method. But for someone to throw caution to the wind only hours after meeting you…well…some serious red lights should be flashing in your head (“How many other guys has she done this with?”, for instance.). Not only is she willing to risk catching something from you, but she has no qualms about putting YOUR life in danger. False Sense of Invincibility + Total Disregard For Human Life = No Sexy Time.
I was seventeen and fresh out of high school when I lost my virginity to a twenty-eight-year-old photographer. I was interested in him on more of a flirtatious level, testing out my newfound sexuality on someone with more life experience than myself. I never thought he’d actually GO for it…but he did. And while he made my first time pleasurable and lovely, we only hooked up a few more times after that before he was sniffing around elsewhere, more or less losing my number. Sex has a way of complicating things regardless of your age or sexual prowess; post-devirginization, though, my mind immediately tricked me into thinking I had stronger feelings for this dude than I had prior to getting my cherry popped. Unless you want a clingy, confused, over-sexed teenager on your hands, tell her to save herself for the next guy.
8. The Anorexic –
As someone who was nearly hospitalized for starving herself to the verge of death, take it from me: you can never be too rich, but you can definitely be too thin. Her hip bones will feel like sharp, twin razors cutting into your pelvis. She will be too preoccupied with how her body looks in certain positions to actually enjoy doing the deed, which, more often than not, will ruin it for YOU. Lastly, what will appear to be a voracious sexual appetite is actually just her need to be filled by SOMETHING, as she has deprived herself of true sustenance. Unnatural loss of fat causes the female body to lose the hormones that cause it to ovulate, menstruate, and want to copulate. Boycott these babes ‘til they get some mental help and put some meat on their bones.
7. The Drunk –
She’s hot. You’ve wanted to fuck her since you first laid eyes on her, but she has repeatedly and firmly turned you down, promising that she will never, EVER sleep with you. One night, you’re at a party and notice that she’s getting uncharacteristically wasted. Leave it alone. Seriously. “No…no…ugh, fine, whatever” is not a green light to fuck her as she washes in and out of consciousness, regardless of whether or not you’re pretty tanked, yourself. Even if she doesn’t post humiliating flyers of you all over town, do you REALLY want to be referred to as “The Guy Who Kinda Sorta Raped Me” in the stories she tells her girlfriends?
Your best friend is obsessed with her, but she won’t give him the time of day. Fair game, right? Wrong! It’s one thing if the girl in question could very well be the love of your life and the feeling is mutual. True love is rare, otherworldly, and priceless, and should never be passed by. With the theme of this list in mind, however, if you’re just out to get laid, find someone, ANYONE else. A loyal friend is a precious commodity in this increasingly fickle world. Do unto him as you would have him do to you.
5. The Ex –
Ugh. This always annoys the shiccacca out of me. You broke up for a reason! Why keep torturing yourselves? And don’t tell me it’s just for the sex. The two of you had feelings for each other at one point. Treating her or allowing her to treat you like a booty call not only cheapens and disrespects what you once shared, but will almost inevitably bring you back to the “are-we-or-aren’t-we” point of coupledom…except…you’re NOT a couple again. The lines grow blurry, though, and then you find yourself shocked, confused, and betrayed when she announces that she has a new boyfriend and the two of you can’t hook up anymore. Or it happens in reverse, where SHE’S the one who feels the air leave her body at the sudden presence of her replacement. A clean break – although excruciatingly painful at times – is always the best way to go.
4. The Boss –
A woman in control can be a very alluring thing – or so I’m told. She’s strong, independent, and has hips that won’t quit. The sex may or may not be earth-shattering, but what happens when it ends…badly? For whatever reason, the affair comes to a screeching halt. You will find yourself either a.) fired and out on your ass or b.) the victim of punishment so cruel and unusual, you’ll WISH she’d have fired you, as your life at the office will be one hellish experience after another. Likewise, don’t sleep with your inferiors, no matter how hot and willing they seem. Getting slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit is no picnic at the park.
3. The Maid –
As demonstrated perfectly on a classic episode of ‘Seinfeld’: At first, she’s just coming over to make your bed. Somewhere along the line, however, she’s coming over to make YOU IN your bed. Next to no cleaning is getting done and yet, she makes damn sure she gets her money prior to leaving your place. So let’s get this straight: she’s licking your balls instead of dusting your furniture, but you’re still giving her an hourly wage. Sounds to me like you’re paying for sex! As of now, that’s only legal in Nevada, so unless you live in Vegas, make sure your housekeeper housekeeps and you keep it in your pants.
2. The Cousin –
It should be a given that you don’t fuck your family, but judging from the minuscule gene pools in certain parts of this country, a few of you missed the memo. Only a narcissist would be attracted to someone who shared much of the same DNA…a narcissist and/or a total pervert. I suppose in a way, all human beings are related to one another, but some are related far more closely than others and for the sake of avoiding mutations in offspring, it would be best to mix it up a little, doncha think? And in the instance of boinking a cousin who is not blood-related? Skip that one as well. Stop making your mother cry.
1. The Wife –
As in, someone else’s other than your own. You might try to justify it by saying, “She’s going to cheat on her man with SOMEONE, it may as well be with me”, but no good can come of this scenario. Yes, her husband just might beat the living shit out of you if he finds out, but it’s almost worse if he DOESN’T discover the truth. See, every relationship is supposed to be founded on trust. Even if he has his suspicions, he’s supposed to TRUST his wife to be faithful, so chances are good that he’ll go along like nothing’s amiss and look like a complete fool. Based on the plethora of stories Wifey tells you, maybe the dude’s a total asshole and “deserves” to be cheated on. OR maybe she should have a little integrity and end the marriage prior to moving on. Either way, their relationship is a mess and doesn’t need any additional demolition services from you. Being a mere “accessory to the crime” rather than the actual criminal is still pretty grim stuff. It will lead to your own karmic ruin somewhere down the line with a future girlfriend or wife – a woman who might actually mean something to you.
Or roommate. Either one will do the trick. It sounds like a horrible idea, but just think: your ex will be so pissed off when she finds out (and she MUST find out) that the possibility of her turning into a booty call will cease to be a concern, making it that much easier to follow through with Rule 5 from the previous list. You will also be teaching her an important lesson: find better friends.
4. The Co-Worker –
This only applies if you are equals in the workplace so that power never comes into play. (See Rule 4 in previous list.) It is incredibly difficult to meet people in today’s world. Typically, jobs provide an environment where you can get to know the same people more and more intimately from one day to the next, building trust and camaraderie. Be aware that there is a fine line between flirting and sexual harassment, but usually you can tell whether a girl enjoys trading banter with you or is, in fact, repulsed by your presence. If it ends badly, things can be awkward to the point that you might have to search for a new job; if it ends well, you can find yourself in a great situation with a girl who can’t get enough of your bod, and finds stealthy ways to pull you into the broom closet when no one’s looking.
3. The Fatty –
Admittedly, I don’t know from experience, but from what I hear, chubby girls often go above and beyond the standard smash-and-grab experience in the boudoir. Unable to coast through life on perfect looks, they will work harder to please you in bed and (gasp!) have well-developed personalities to boot. Plus, extra fatty tissue can provide an, um, TIGHTER-feeling sensation for you.
2. The Older Woman –
All Mrs. Robinson clichés aside, bedding an older broad is great for many reasons. Beyond a certain age, a woman who has achieved a number of goals in life and overcome difficult obstacles will carry herself with confidence. She’s not worried about what she looks like in bed because she KNOWS she looks great and, more importantly, knows what the hell she’s doing. She’ll have no problem telling you what she wants and how she wants it, leaving out any and all guesswork and teaching you a thing or two in the process. Better still, she knows it’s just sex. Independent older women value their freedom and have no desire to get tied down to you or anybody else. Happy Cougar Hunting!
1. The Wife –
As in, yours. I refuse to believe that women reach a point in a marriage where they cease to want sex. Every woman has her own unique sex drive, and hopefully you married someone whose interest in the act compares closely with your own. This also goes for guys who haven’t tied the knot, but are in committed relationships. Choose someone who is sexually attracted to you! It’s as simple as that. Skill and technique can all be figured out along the way, but if one or both of you isn’t chemically drawn to the other, you’re screwed…or rather, you’re NOT screwed. Also, realize that if the pressures of life are interfering with your time and ability to connect emotionally, she’s not going to have as much interest in connecting with you physically. In most relationships, the two are intertwined. Tell her WHY you love her, WHY you’re attracted to her. Boosting her ego will boost her libido. And if all else fails, take her caveman-style. It’s marriage. Technically, you own her ass.*
